“For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.” –Bill Cosby
Every marriage is different.
But most spouses have the same wants:
- Wives want to feel appreciated
- Wives want to feel respected
- Wives want to feel loved
If your wife left you, then you’re devastated.
You can take steps to get your wife back though. Taking a hard look at yourself and your marriage is the first step.
Identify the Problems in Your Marriage or Relationship
Consider who ran the marriage. Was your marriage open to joint communication and input or were you controlling?
Decide whether you were both happy with the decision making in your marriage.
If you had to identify one or two qualities about yourself that your wife disliked, what would they be?
Did your wife ever complain specifically about the marriage or you? If so, identify her complaints.
Assess Whether or Not You’re Willing to Make Changes
Decide if you want your wife back badly enough to make changes that will make her happy.
Would you be willing to go to counseling so that you can become the type of person she wants?
Can you make changes and still be comfortable with yourself?
If so, correct the problems that drove your wife away:
- If you cheated, get rid of the other woman and try celibacy while you work on getting back your wife,
- If you had financial problems, work on paying off your debts and becoming employed or getting a higher paying job.
- If you drifted apart, become a better communicator and do your best to reconnect socially with your wife.
Identify the Qualities that Made Your Wife Marry You
What are your best attributes? You were able to turn on the charm and get your wife to marry you once. You may be able to do it again, given the opportunity.
Maximize your assets and stay positive. Decide whether you continued to have those traits during your marriage. Sometimes it is easy to take a marriage for granted and not have time to woo the wife the way you did when you were single.
Stay in Your Wife’s Life
It is harder to win back the affection of someone you never see. If you have children, they will provide the means for you to stay in touch with your wife, particularly if you share joint custody and see them just as frequently.
If you do not have children, find a reason to stay in close contact with your wife. Move nearby and use common interests to stay in touch. Frequent places where you are likely to see her and be open and friendly when you do.
Be helpful to your wife. Try to see your wife on a platonic basis and be charming, but not pushy. Help her remember why she loved you in the first place in a non-threatening manner. Don’t push sex because she may not trust you or be ready.
Show her, rather than tell her that you love her, but do not make yourself too accessible. Most people like a challenge, so be available enough so that she knows what she is missing, but not so available that she loses interest.
Be responsible and keep up with any financial or child-related responsibilities to your wife. Make sure that your good qualities shine and that she turns to you for problems.
Your friends can help you find a way to your wife’s heart. If your wife is close-mouthed about her life without you, your common friends may be more than willing to share what they know. If they think the two of you belong together, they may do what they can to help or will build you up to your wife.
Use your friends as a buffer to get your wife to join you in group social events when you are first trying to reconnect with her. Your friends may organize gatherings and include both of you at the function.
Most children want their parents to reconnect and your children are in the best position to create opportunities for you and your wife to interact. Don’t be afraid to call your wife about parenting issues either. You want to be on the same page when it comes to giving permission and disciplining your children.
In some situations, your in-laws may even be willing to help you get your wife back. If they still keep in touch with you, they probably will do all they can to help save their daughter’s marriage, especially if they know you are sincere and willing to do whatever it takes.
Communicate Openly and Accept What She Is Willing to Give
Keep the lines of communication open even if things do not progress as fast as you want. Let your wife know when you’ve completed an action that may have improved a complaint she had during marriage. For example, if money was tight and you have a new job making more money let her know about it.
Try to casually date your wife if she seems to talk to you openly and rely on you. Take an interest in what your wife enjoys and encourage her to share your interests as well.
As your relationship improves, suggest trying to reconnect and tell your wife what steps you have taken to help improve your relationship. Invite your wife to join you in counseling. Indicate your interest, but do not rush your wife.
Be willing to accept a temporary move back living arrangement if that makes your wife more comfortable. It will be your job to make sure it becomes permanent.
After You’ve Won Her Back
Once your wife is back, remember to show your appreciation:
- Compliment her once in a while.
- Thank her for small everyday things she does for you.
- Surprise her occasionally. You needn’t spend a lot of money as long as she knows you are thinking of her. A text message that says “I love you” can brighten her day or a freshly made cup of coffee before work.
- Let her know why she is special to you.