Is My Husband Gay?

Have you ever asked yourself, "Is my husband gay?"

If you have, then your marriage probably isn't what it's supposed to be. More than likely, the two of you have grown distant in the bedroom and your love life isn't what it once was--or maybe it never was particularly good. Something has set off your sensors and you feel the need to explore the question of your husband's sexual preferences seriously.

Being married to a gay man won't work for most women, and this is one marriage difficulty that anyone would consider "irreconcilable differences". If your husband is straight, but the marriage has grown stale and he has wandering eyes, then the two of you might be able to rekindle the love and passion and repair whatever damage has been done to your partnership.

But if your husband isn't attracted to females and got into the marriage for some other reason, or if he's come to the conclusion along the way that he's really attracted to men, the two of you aren't going to make that work. So knowing whether your husband is straight or gay becomes paramount, if you have any questions at all.

How to Know if Your Husband Is Gay

You'll find some awful advice and information among some of the prominent Internet posts about spotting a gay husband, which may or may not be satire. Avoid stereotypes and intolerant attitudes when trying to determine your spouse's sexuality, and try to remain rational in your observations. I'm going to list off a number of behaviors that indicate he might be gay.

You may have noticed one or more of these behaviors in your husband. Remember that any one of these habits in isolation may not mean a thing--guys have their quirks. Don't isolate one of these and become convinced your husband is queer, based on one odd quirk.

But if you start to notice a cluster of these behaviors, you might conclude that your husband is attracted to men.

Of course, the easiest and most obvious way of finding out that your husband is gay is to just ask him.

Personality Change

If your husband starts to undergo some kind of personality change, that's a sign he might be undergoing changes. Human beings change as we get older and deal with the effects of aging and carry the weight of our experiences. This is natural and expected.

Hopefully these changes make us wiser and better partners in love. A man going through a mid-life crisis is likely to behave differently than he did when first married. So don't jump the gun if he becomes more defensive, somewhat distant, or even more controlling. These are issues that have to be dealt with and probably have nothing to do with sexual matters.

But if a man is suddenly beginning to realize he's gay or that he's preferred men all along, this is almost certain to change his behavior patterns. He's undergoing an awakening. and people newly-awakened to an idea are likely to act differently than before. This is a going to be a bit of a transformation for him. Let's discuss several behavioral changes.

Concerned about His Appearance

Has your husband suddenly become more concerned about his appearance?

Has your husband changed his wardrobe?

Has he changed his cologne?

Does he work out more often or style his hair differently?

If so, engage him in conversation about these things, trying to account for any natural embarrassment that might come from changing your hairstyle or clothing after 10 or 20 years. A wife is supposed to notice such behavior. If nothing's going on, he's likely to let you know he wanted to get in better shape or, having gotten in better shape, he wants to show off the old bod a little more. Maybe he was feeling stale and wanted to mix things up.

Being concerned with his appearance and changing his fragrance probably doesn't mean he's gay, but it might mean he's trying to attract someone. That someone might be a male or female. Maybe he already has a new love on the side. Whatever the case, this should raise a red flag. Start noticing other behavior patterns.

Late Night Use of Cellphone

Does your husband make strange phone calls at odd times of the day or night?

Does your husband get calls at times he didn't receive them before?

Does he walk out of the room when he receives calls?

Does he speak in hushed tones with a serious look on his face?

None of these things in themselves mean anything. I get distracted when I'm on the phone in a crowded room, and I feel like I'm being rude talking over the throng. Besides, I don't like people eavesdropping on me, so I try to get some privacy anytime I'm on the phone. Your husband might want privacy, too.

But if he used to be open about his calls and he now acts differently, a red flag should be raised.

Maybe he's ordering your birthday present.

Maybe a friend is asking advice and he's trying to respect their privacy.

Maybe it's work related and the people in the room are distracting to him.

But this may be a sign he doesn't want you to know what he's talking about.

Secret Use of Computers

The Internet is another place for lovers to have clandestine correspondence. If he has his own private email or social networking page, then he's probably interacting with all kinds of old friends and new friends, and perhaps even an ex-lover or two. The Internet is a perfect place to interact with a new love interest, male or female, because you probably don't know all his passwords.

So if he's sneaking off to use the computer at strange times of the day or night, that's a bad sign.

It's possible he's on Facebook, where an alarming number of marriages seem to fail these days.

It's possible he's on an online dating site or message board.

Or it's possible that he's browsing through porn sites.

Whatever the case, he shouldn't mind you knowing what he does online. Defensiveness and secrecy about these activities indicate he's doing something you wouldn't like or he would be embarrassed you would know about.

Possession of Gay Pornography

If ever you find your husband in the possession of homosexual pornography, watch out. Few straight men are going to be interested in gay porn. And when I say "gay", I mean two or more men engaged in gay activities.

Whether you agree with it or not, many men don't view lesbian porn as anything more than twice the allure. Straight men might not think a thing about multiple guys involved in sexual encounters with one or more females.

But few straight men are going to be interested in seeing men engaged in homoerotic acts. If you find this, your husband might be gay or bisexual.

That being said, not even this is a sure sign of your husband's sexual preference being gay. Many people have different tastes in pornography than they have in the real world bedroom.

Extreme Homophobic Behavior - Gay Jokes

Even if your husband seems homophobic and aggressively anti-gay, this doesn't always mean he isn't gay. Overcompensation is a classic psychological defense mechanism and social tactic in order to mask one's homosexual tendencies.

Your husband might appear homophobic so no one would suspect he's got gay thoughts.

Your husband might tell gay jokes to complete the facade, or because he has a certain amount of self-loathing about his "condition".

People can have intricate, involved psychologies and contradictory behavior might all fit into the same pattern.

On the other hand, if your husband doesn't seem comfortable with gay themes, isn't interested in them, or even seems hostile to them, that might be exactly what it appears to be. I have a friend (married man) who watches all the Oscar-nominated films every year, and when he suggested a group of the guys watch Brokeback Mountain. I was one of those who vetoed the idea.

He still claims I'm homophobic because I didn't want to watch the gay cowboy movie. I pointed out that, gay or not, it sounded like a chick flick (all about romance) and I wouldn't have wanted to watch a movie about a guy and girl rancher hooking up, either--that's the stuff you watch with your girlfriend. (Besides, I'm from Texas and I hate when actors use those awful fake-Texas accents like they did in the trailers for that movie.)

Point being, your husband not being interested in gay culture or even being hostile to it is probably just what it seems--a straight guy being a straight guy. But it might not be. This is also a warning about how hard it is to prove you're not a homophobe (or anything else), when someone claims you are--straight guys would probably rather be labeled that than being metrosexual. Along the same thought process, if you ask him if he's gay and he's not, it's going to be mighty hard for him to prove to you he's not. Most straight men will see that as a blow to their masculinity.

Self-Medicating - Sign of Gay Spouse

One type of altered behavior that's should send signals is when your husband starts to self-medicate. If he suddenly starts drinking more than he used to, that's a bad sign. If he suddenly starts taking pain medicine for no good reason, that's a sign he's trying to dull the pain. Any type of drug or narcotic might be an escape for him.

When I talk of "pain" and "escape", I'm talking about mental and psychological anguish. If he married you and has any regard for you--and ten years later he suddenly has a flash and realizes he's been denying the obvious and he's queer--then he's likely to have a lot of guilt and emotional pain. Self-medicating is a way not to feel that pain. It's also a way not to deal with the problem, even if he's so self-involved that your feelings don't matter.

Sudden reliance on medication or drugs might be a sign he's gay, if taken with several of these other symptoms.

Queer Husband Behavior

If your husband is gay, then these are just some of the red flags to notice. Anything that is different indicates some change in his life, his habits, or his attitudes. As said before, that's natural enough. But if he's acted oddly in front of other men before, then use the behaviors above to test whether your husband is gay or not. It's probably just a passing fear on your part, but you'll find plenty of people living in a marriage with a gay spouse, so don't dismiss the notion--especially if he displays three or more of the attitudes or behavior above.